


correlative

by excorde (constant)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Junbobficsparty2020, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22796029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constant/pseuds/excorde
Summary: When you're so fed up with all the lows and emptiness in your life that you find yourself holding on to the only bit of good that comes your way - even if it's all too good to be true.In which Jiwon's hopeless romantic tendencies leave him utterly hopeless.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 19
Kudos: 32





	correlative

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: _Love letter ending up to the wrong person_   
>  i had another idea for this prompt and that one was pure crack and fluff. idk how this ended up being full blown angst yikes    
>  For Junbobficsparty2020 <3

Jiwon feels like he could fly. Like a broken record, he goes through the events of today in his mind over and over again. It’s just so surreal _. Surreal_ in that Jiwon feels the need to check every ten seconds to convince himself that everything isn’t just a dream. 

When that doubtful part of his mind wins him over, he reaches his hand in his pocket, fingers fiddling with the folded parchment safely tucked inside. Every once in a while he takes the paper out, unfolding it to go through the words written in scrawny handwriting, allowing himself to smile like a damn fool. When he’s completely convinced that the note isn’t a figment of his overly-active hopeless romantic imagination, he tucks the parchment back in his pocket. 

Jiwon has been waiting for thirty minutes, but that’s only because he’s too excited to contain himself from coming on time. He looks around and realizes that the baseball field is still as deserted as it was the last couple of years, not only having located at the back of the campus, but also because of the disbandment of the team due to some unforeseen circumstances. They still haven’t reformed the team until now, and nobody really knows why. Save for the ones who tries to sneak a cigarette or two during breaks, no one really comes to the baseball field anymore. The ground is more dust than grass, and the outlines for the diamond has faded over the years. The bleachers look like they could do some derusting too. 

Despite the depressing surroundings, Jiwon doesn’t let it dampen his mood. For some reason, there is something beautiful about the dust particles dancing at the center of the field whenever the wind blows. The creak of the bleacher, which he knows he would find creepy on a normal day, is like music to his ears. He tucks his hand in his pocket again, grasping that note that has now been crumpled due to the amount of times he has fumbled with it. 

And _this_ . This note, this _letter_. 

The letter which he found on his desk before second period, the letter which he picked up hesitantly, searching around to see if anyone looked suspicious enough to be the one responsible for it. (But the only one who was present at that moment was his best friend, Yunhyeong, his nose buried on his phone and who looked as though he didn’t even notice Jiwon coming in.) The letter which asked him to come at the baseball field before the last period, the letter which he read over and over again - because Jiwon couldn’t believe it was real. The letter which he couldn’t get off his mind the entire day - the letter which read:

> _My dear,_
> 
> _I am never the type to speak openly of my troubles. Nor do I publicly announce whenever I feel like the world has turned its back against me, and how I try to pick myself up and deal with the little bitch we all call ‘life’. But here I am telling you this now, not because I don’t have anything else to say but because I owe you big time for all those moments. Forgive me if this comes off a bit weird, but when the loneliness feels a little too much, I send my sorrows up into the cold night sky. And before I know it, I see your image being drawn in the heavens, lifting the corners of my lips, lifting the weight off my shoulders - as if you were right there beside me. You are my refuge during a cold dark day, and I give you full credit for my resilience._
> 
> _I adore you endlessly, and no other thing in this world could be worth the same as a five-minute conversation with you. You are already everything I need you to be. You are what fills the gap between me and a smile. You are what bridges the sun and my world. You. You. Simply just you._

Jiwon swears he has never been swayed by words before. It’s not that he didn’t allow himself, it’s just that nothing he ever read was worth the racing of his heart, or the reeling of his mind, or the sweating of his palms. It must have been the way of being addressed as _‘my dear’_ , of being a recipient of something so intimate, so real. 

Or simply, it must be because of the signature at the bottom of the letter: 

> _I’ll always be waiting for you._
> 
> _Always,_
> 
> _Junhoe_

It took about several read throughs and an entire hour for Jiwon to process that it was all real: 

The letter is tangible. He was in the right class. He was in the right desk. The letter was on _his_ desk. 

He even went as far as running his fingers over Junhoe’s name, feeling the crease caused by the point of the pen on the parchment. He couldn't believe that something as silly as that can bring a smile to his face. 

This is his fairytale moment. He couldn’t let it pass. He just couldn’t, not when it’s literally right in his fingers right now. As nerve-wracking and out of the blue the situation might be, Jiwon finds himself grabbing the opportunity. The only thing that ran through his mind the entire day was that: he _had_ to meet Junhoe at the time and place he had written at the back of the paper. 

And that’s how he finds himself waiting for the other boy at the bleachers of the baseball field. 

Leaning over to place his elbows on his thighs, Jiwon plays with his fingers as he tries not to think that it’s only a few minutes until Junhoe shows up. He tries to clear his head as much as possible, because he knows full well that formulating a speech for the purpose of confessions almost always serves ineffective. He decides that he’s just gonna depend on the first thing that comes to his mind later. He takes the last few moments of solace to gather his bearings, stringing his confidence together for later. 

“Um-” 

Jiwon almost slips off his seat when a familiar voice suddenly cuts through the silence. He looks up, and that’s when he realizes that he’s not alone anymore. Junhoe stands at the other side of the bleachers, looking away just before Jiwon could even meet his eye. Junhoe looks around the area as though he was expecting somebody else to be there. Jiwon stands up, heart racing in his chest. 

Finally, when he seemed to have realized that no other soul was around except Jiwon, Junhoe looks at him. His gaze is calculating - judgmental even - like there’s something about Jiwon being in that particular place and time that didn’t settle well with him. Junhoe looks confused, and the look on his face is enough for the giddiness to scramble away from Jiwon’s being. 

_Fuck, I’m so stupid._

“Have you seen Jinhwan around?” 

_So fucking stupid._

Jiwon shakes his head, one hand still in his pocket, fingers still fiddling with that letter that had managed to fuck his mind up in a span of six hours. The letter which, apparently, has not reached its rightful recipient all along. 

And Jiwon knows this. A voice at the back of his mind had been telling him that the letter isn’t for him because there is no way that the person he has a crush on likes him back. It was supposedly his fairytale moment, and Jiwon took it as it is, tuning that annoying voice out. 

He sees Junhoe’s name at the bottom of the letter, and immediately, he was blinded from rationality, from _reality_. The reality which isn’t anything like the stories of those pretty princesses. The reality of the impossibility that Junhoe would ever reciprocate his feelings. That is, if feelings meant giving Junhoe second glances (or more) whenever Jiwon spots him in the same room, or awkward smiles at the hallways, or grabbing every opportunity to see Junhoe play on stage so that Jiwon would have the perfect excuse to talk to him, to tell him how well he did on his performance. 

But Junhoe never stared at him the same way Jiwon did. And Jiwon knows this because he always has his attention to him. Junhoe always passes him by without giving Jiwon a second glance, so why did he ever assume - _why did he ever believe_ \- that the letter is for him?

Jiwon is too distracted by his own thoughts that he didn’t catch Junhoe’s last words. Before he knows it, the latter has already turned around, making his way slowly down the steps. Before Jiwon realizes what he’s doing, he sprints towards the other man, grabbing Junhoe by the wrist. 

“Junhoe, wait. I-” The words hang in midair as Junhoe turns around to look at him, his eyes slightly rounded in curiosity, hair swept by the wind. 

He's just so goddamn beautiful and Jiwon's just frustrated that he is everything Jiwon wish he could have but couldn’t. 

Jiwon starts to pull the letter from his pocket because he knows that the right thing to do is to return the letter to Junhoe. But as soon as he takes it out, he crumples it in his hand, away from Junhoe’s view. In the high of his emotions, Jiwon couldn't find it in himself to gather his thoughts properly. 

This is his fairytale moment, and Jiwon wouldn’t let it slip through his fingers. 

He looks up at the man before him, his other hand still wrapped around the other's wrist. And as if his mouth has a mind of its own, the words slur out of his mouth easily.

"Do you wanna go out sometime? With me?" He adds lamely.

Junhoe stares at him, surprised, and Jiwon couldn't figure out if it is one of pleasantness or not. 

And then he says, "Okay." 

Junhoe sends him a small smile before gently prying his hand away from his grasp. And without as much as another word or a glance, he finally walks away. 

For what felt like five whole minutes, Jiwon stood there on the bleachers, trying to figure out the essence of that one word. But what other meaning could it possibly hold? Just as quickly as he crashed from the peak of his happiness seconds ago, Jiwon is soaring back up again. 

Fuelled by the pain and frustration he felt for himself, he just asked Junhoe out. 

And Junhoe said yes. 

Finally, he flies. 

  
  
  


Jiwon now has the perfect excuse to talk to Junhoe, or to stare at him whenever he wants without worrying of getting caught, or to hold his hand, or to pull him in a hug. His excuse? They're dating. They're actually dating. 

Their first date was most probably the worst yet the best one they ever had. One couldn't look at the other in the eye for more than five seconds, and most of the time, they'd fall into awkward laughter when both couldn't find anything conversational to share. The awkwardness absolutely killed Jiwon, and he had the impression that Junhoe was feeling even more uncomfortable than he was. 

But despite all that, it was also the same day where Jiwon found out that Junhoe prefers his coffee black, and that he has the most adorable puppy which he almost always forgets to feed. He finds out how much Junhoe's smile looks better at such a short distance, because for the first time ever, Jiwon's seeing it right before him, and not from across the hallway. 

It was the same day Jiwon realized that Junhoe has a thing for old movies, and he can understand Japanese films without the aid of subtitles though he's not that much confident in speaking the language. It was also the same day when Jiwon mustered up the courage to grab hold of his hand as they walked home from the theatre, and to his utmost joy, Junhoe had let him. 

The first date turned into two, and then three, and then four, until the awkwardness between them subsided and Jiwon eventually lost count.

Before he knows it, Jiwon could hold his hand without worrying if Junhoe would pull away. He could pepper him with kisses whenever and wherever he wants, and if he's lucky, Junhoe would reciprocate. 

It's been over a month since they have started dating. It dealt quite a shock to their friends, as well as the rest of the student body which had absolutely no business in their personal life but still felt like they had the right to meddle. It's been over a month, and they've done quite a lot in that short amount of time, and their relationship has developed enough that the people around them have gotten used to them. 

But sometimes, Jiwon still couldn't believe it. He, of all people, should know that his relationship with Junhoe is as real as the global warming. But he has these moments. Moments like: waking up with Junhoe beside him, their limbs tangled together as though some unknown entity is gonna take one of them away. It's at those kind of moments when he stares at his lover's dozing figure as he traces the outline of his nose down to his lips that Jiwon couldn't help but feel how blessed he is. 

He still couldn't wrap his head around it: Junhoe _reciprocates_. 

It's just too good to be true - how the man he has been pining over from afar has turned to this man that he now deeply loves, and that there might just be a big chance that his feelings are being reciprocated. All Jiwon needs now is confirmation. All he needs now are words. 

And that's how he decides to tell Junhoe _everything_. Jiwon always thought that neither of them had been very vocal about their feelings. Just thinking about saying those three words out loud right in front of Junhoe's face makes him weak in the knees. But he wants to. Jiwon wants Junhoe to know how much he means to him, and more. But to begin with all that, Jiwon decides to tell him about the letter first. He thinks it's only fair that Junhoe knows that he has it, that he knows that it wasn't meant for him to read. 

“I have something to tell you.” Funny how Jiwon was just about to say the same thing. He has no idea what Junhoe has up in his mind, but it sure does send his heart racing in excitement.

“Me too.” Jiwon smiles as he leans a little closer over the table, making sure that he hears what the other is about to tell him clearly. The cafe is unusually crowded today, and despite the noise, Jiwon finds that he's not irritated by it because it could only mean that no one else is paying any attention to them. 

“You go first.” Junhoe says, a stern expression on his face. 

Hesitantly, Jiwon takes the letter out of his pocket and places it on the table between them. It now has a slight tear right at the middle, and it looked as though it had lived for fifty years. 

Junhoe stares at the paper for a moment, his face blank, and Jiwon doesn’t know what to make out of it. He doesn’t look a bit surprised, or confused. He just had no reaction, really. 

“I’ve had it all this time.” Jiwon says quite nervously. “I’m sorry, Junhoe. I know I should have told you sooner, but-” 

“I know.” Junhoe takes the paper gently, his eyes scanning through the parchment in a flash. A timid smile falls over his face before he places the letter back down to stare at Jiwon again. 

“Chanwoo was its messenger. Turns out he got the rooms mixed up. He ended up going to your class instead of-” Junhoe cuts himself off, as though he’s afraid that his next words are going to hurt anybody. And maybe it will. 

“I know that you meant for Jinhwan to have it.” 

“How did you know that?” 

“I figured it out when you asked for him at the baseball field.” 

Sometimes, when his feelings for Junhoe get pretty overwhelming, he indulges himself and reads through the letter again. It hurts to think that it wasn't meant for him. That's why Jiwon feels that Junhoe's reciprocation feels too good to be true. 

Sometimes Jiwon still catches Junhoe staring fondly over at Jinhwan's direction, but Jiwon pretends he doesn't notice, mostly for his own sake. Sometimes Junhoe talks too much about Jinhwan more than Jiwon's liking that he just ends up tuning him out, but still forces a smile on his face because he doesn't want the other to get the wrong idea.

And he can't do anything about the fact that the two are in the same band, and that they meet almost everyday to practice. Jiwon's not the jealous type, but he can't help the doubts that clouds his mind whenever he sees Junhoe walking out of band practice with Jinhwan, laughing together at what most probably is the funniest joke ever told. And he can't really blame himself for feeling that way, because after all, he wasn't the recipient for that love letter in the first place.

After a quick silence, Junhoe asks, “Did you only ask me out because of the letter?” 

“What? No! God, Junhoe, no.” Jiwon makes a move to grab Junhoe's hand on the table, and Jiwon doesn't know if he had only assumed, but Junhoe pulls his hands away at the same time Jiwon has reached out.

“I’ve always had a crush on you.” Jiwon feels his cheeks burn as he admits his feelings out loud, and though his heart feels like it’s about to burst at any moment, he still manages to hold Junhoe’s gaze in his. “I just never had the courage to make a first move or anything like that. Well, that’s until I found this.” Jiwon scratches the edge of the letter, racking his brain to think of the next words to say. 

“I know that the letter was missent, that it wasn’t meant for me. But don’t you think - don’t you think it was meant to be so that you and I could be together?” 

Junhoe seems as though he’s taking in Jiwon’s words before he breaks out into that smile Jiwon has learned to love. 

“You know,” Junhoe starts, “This was supposed to be my last letter for Jinhwan.” 

Jiwon’s heart clenches in his chest. He gets a sudden ominous feeling, and it takes all of his will to not ask Junhoe to kindly shut up.

“The previous ones before, I sent them anonymously. This was supposed to reveal my identity, and I was supposed to ask him to be my boyfriend on that filthy old baseball bleachers.” Junhoe chuckles but it didn’t have any hint of humor in it. 

Jiwon doesn’t know what to say. All he knows is that he thinks he knows where this conversation is going, and he doesn’t like it. 

“Yesterday at the band practice, Jinhwan told me about his secret admirer who wrote him corny letters twice a week. He told me how he got really upset when he stopped receiving them all of a sudden, and how he-” 

“Junhoe.” Jiwon says in gritted teeth. “Why are you telling me this?” 

Is this what Junhoe wanted to say to him? 

“I just can’t help but think about what might have happened if Jinhwan received this letter-"

A pause. And with the softest voice, Junhoe adds, 

"-and not you.” 

Jiwon's heart's already breaking, and Junhoe’s right here, running it over with a bulldozer once more. Despite the clenching in his chest, Jiwon nods in understanding. He gets it. He gets what Junhoe's trying to say.

“Maybe Jinhwan will be the one sitting in front of you right now.” 

He sees the way Junhoe grits his teeth, and then he shakes his head, guilt spreading all over his face. “It's not like that, no. I'm sorry, Jiwon. I-” 

What Jiwon fails to understand is this: 

“Why did you agree to date me?” 

After a moment of hesitation, Junhoe looked as though he plucked up the courage to speak out, “I thought Jinhwan got the letter and didn’t want to show up. I thought he rejected me, but now he-” 

“So you agreed to go out with me hoping for a remedy for your broken heart?” 

Junhoe’s silence is enough answer for his question. Jiwon doesn’t need any more clarifications, he understands the situation perfectly. He got played. Junhoe used him to mend the broken heart he had gotten from what he thought was Jinhwan’s rejection. But now that Junhoe has found out that he might stand a chance with Jinhwan all along, he’s starting to falter even when Jiwon has been here by his side the whole time, even when Jiwon has done nothing but show him how much he cares for him. This just proves that even if Jiwon crosses the entire world for him, even if he plucks a star out of the sky for him, Junhoe would still run back to Jinhwan because he is the one he loves. Not him. Not Jiwon. 

Jiwon grabs for the letter and reads the words one more time. He has long known that the letter wasn’t for him, but for some reason, it hurts ten times more reading it now. 

> _I’ll always be waiting for you._

There it goes. True to his words, Junhoe _did_ wait for Jinhwan, and Jiwon was the fool, who kept him entertained while he was on the wait. 

Jiwon laughs bitterly, the tears brimming in his eyes that the words on the letter start to blur. 

"Jiwon, I'm sorry-" 

The urge to crumple the letter up and throw it at Junhoe's face is strong. But he can't do it. No matter how angry he feels right now, the love he has for Junhoe will always outweigh his hatred towards him. Even if he burns the letter to ashes, he still had every word of it memorized, even if he knows that the letter isn't meant for him. _Goddammit, why isn't this letter written for him?_

> _You are already everything I need you to be._

"Jiwon-" Junhoe has reached for his hand, and Jiwon jerks away as if his touch was scorching. 

> _You are what fills the gap between me and a smile._

His hands are shaking as he folds the letter. For a brief moment, he considers pushing it towards Junhoe's direction, to return something which is rightfully his. But his palm stays pressed on the parchment. 

> _You are what bridges the sun and my world._

For what might be the last time, Jiwon looks up at Junhoe. Had he not known any better, he would have thought that Junhoe's trembling eyes are begging for him to stay. 

> _You._

Jiwon stares at his deep set eyes. His pink plump lips which completes Jiwon's most favorite smile. 

> _You. Simply just you._

And before Junhoe can let a word out as he opens his mouth to speak, Jiwon beats him to it. 

“Can I at least pretend that you wrote this for me?” 

Jiwon swears Junhoe looks like he wanted to say no, that he wanted to say _more_. But he says, "Okay." and what other meaning might that hold? He's not sure if it's the kind of response he wanted to hear, but it's not like anything Junhoe would say right now would make him feel any better. 

It's over. He knows that. And here he is, hoping to hold on to something that isn't even meant for him. Still acting the part of the fool. 

He is, no doubt, done with his fairytale, but he still wants to something tangible that would remind him that at some point, what he and Junhoe had was real. Like Cinderella with her glass slipper.

Jiwon tucks the letter in his pocket quickly before getting on his feet. He tries not to look at Junhoe as he heads for the door, dragging his feet slowly. 

Down to the last minute, Jiwon plays his part well. A part of him hopes that Junhoe would call him back, that he would run up to him and stop him from leaving. But Jiwon's already out of the café doors and Junhoe still hasn't done any of that. 

And Jiwon takes that as his sign to finally let him go.


End file.
